Fellowship of the Ring: A Parody
by TheLeef
Summary: What REALLY happened in the Lord of the Rings! The Fellowship forms and starts its journey to Mt. Mordor well-versed in many movie dialogues. Silliness and hilarity ensues.
1. Prologue to The Shire

**My FOTR Parody**

**WARNING: this is verry long.**

**FYI: this parody is courtesy of the slaughter of many movies. You may not infringe the right to copy this parody in whole or in part by copying because of the danger of being ensnared by the law.**

* * *

1. Prologue

Once upon a time there lived an evil dark lord named Sauron who had a Ring that ruled the world. Then one day some Men and some Elves made an alliance and fought a great second-age battle against Sauron and his Orcs in Mordor at Mount Doom, the stakes being the fate of the whole entire world. There are lots of Elves are fighting lots of Orcs.

Orc Extra Number 28,952 wields a sword. "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!!" An Elf shoots him. The Orc cries out, "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!"

A big guy in black armor with a breathing apparatus comes up to some Men. He is Sauron. Two of the Men are Isildur and Isildur's father.

"I am Sauron! I am undefeatable!"

Isildur's father replies, "Well I'm going to try to defeat you anyway!"

Then Sauron kills Isildur's father.

Isildur screams, "You killed my father!"

"No, Isildur, _I_ am your father!"

"Wait, that wasn't in the script!"

Sauron bellows, "I am Sauron, I do what I want!"

"Well I shall cut off your hand!"

"It is unavoidable. It is your destiny."

Isildur shrugs. "Whatever blows your guts up, Sauron."

Isildur cuts off Sauron's hand. Sauron explodes. Isildur takes the Ring.

Isildur proclaims creepily, "From now on all my descendants' fate will be bound to this Ring. It is unavoidable; it is their destiny."

Some Orcs come up and shoot him. Isildur says "ouch" and dies.

As he dies, the ring falls in the river. Billions and billions of light years later, the creature Gollum picks it up.

Gollum hisses obsessively, "Precious, precious, ppprrrreeeecccciiiiooouussss!!!!"

Then Bilbo Baggins pops in and takes the ring from him.

Bilbo gloats, "My precious now!"

* * *

2. The Shire

Meanwhile, in the Shire 60 years later, Gandalf drives up in a cart. Frodo Baggins, Bilbo's nephew, runs up in front of the cart. "Gandalf!!!"

Gandalf runs over Frodo. There is a big thump. Gandalf scratches his head. "Thumping hobbits, now where did that boy go? Let me get my spectacles... Frodo? Frooooddoooo!"

Frodo pops up from the ground. "Here I am, for a minute I thought you ran over me."

Gandalf replies, "So did I. Well I heard it was Bilbo's 11,111th birthday so I thought I'd drop by."

A bunch of hobbit children run up to Frodo.

Frodo sees them and says, "Oh, gotta go!" To Gandalf, he asks, "Can you give me a boost up to the cart?"

Gandalf replies, "Sure." He then makes fireworks blow up in front of the children. "Missed them!"

Frodo sighs, "Again? darn..."

* * *

3. Bag End, the Baggins' House

At Bag End, Bilbo opens his front door and sees Gandalf. Gandalf states, "You haven't aged a bloody day."

Bilbo replies, "So much for putting it delicately, with my stomach and all. Come in, come in."

They walk into Bilbo's house.

Gandalf gasps, "Ooh agh my nose!"

Bilbo says, "Oh, and watch the rafters."

"Rafters?"

Gandalf hits head on the rafters. *gasp* "Ooh agh my head!"

Bilbo adds, "Oh and watch the chandelier."

"Chandelier?"

Gandalf hits head on the chandelier. "Owww!"

Bilbo changes the subject. "Well I'm planning to up and leave, and live with the Elves... I want to see mountains again, Gandalf, mountains!"

"Yes, Bilbo, a—"

"MOUNTAINS!!!"

Both Gandalf and Bilbo fall silent.

* * *

4. Bilbo's Birthday Party

At Bilbo's 11,111th birthday party, there are lots of hobbits. They are dancing and drinking ale.

Frodo bobs up and down in a chicken dance. "I'm a hobbit bobbit!"

Sam stares blankly from a nearby table. "Ale... ale..."

Bilbo attempts to mount a barrel of ale but gives up. "Attention! I know less than half of you three-fourths of seven-tenths by more than ninety-nine one-hundredths of you more than that, and like as much as forty-four of nine-elevenths less than a very large number times a million and six!"

Nobody says anything.

Frodo is confused. "Bilbo, that doesn't make any sense!"

"Of course not." He puts on Ring and disappears. Everybody cheers and claps wildly.

* * *

5. Back at Bag End, the Baggins' House

The door does not open. Bilbo appears inside by the door. He tosses the ring into the air. He drops it and Gandalf appears.

"Ah! You scared me. Oh, there's where that Ring went. Hand it to me, will you? I can't reach it.

"No."

"You lazy ox."

Gandalf says, "I am not allowed to touch it."

Bilbo is puzzled. "But you don't even know that it's evil yet!"

"Thank you. I'd been wondering about that."

"Wondering about what?"

"If it was evil."

"It's evil?"

"Yes, so I want you to leave it to Frodo when you leave."

Bilbo is even more confused. "I'm leaving?"

"Yes, so leave the Ring to Frodo."

"No! I can't do that! Leave this thing of horrible evil to Frodo? My Precious?"

Gandalf double-takes. "Precious? It's been called that before—"

"I was calling Frodo my Precious. But I think I better take the Ring with me."

"I think it's best that you leave it here."

"It's on the mantle, I mean, in an envelope, actually, in my pocket, well, truthfully it's in my hand, now it's on the floor. Bye." He leaves.

Gandalf hits head on rafters. "Ouch."

Then Frodo comes inside house and sees Gandalf smoking his pipe and mumbling to himself.

Frodo puts his hands on his hips. "Cut the crud. Where's my ring?"

"Now what kind of wizard would I be if I didn't look after my dear hobbits!"

"The kind that don't live here."

"I had the sweetest chat with Bilbo about his trip. He's gone to stay with the elves. I must go and find some questions to answers that need questioning." He leaves to do whatever he does.

* * *

6. The Green Dragon, the Hobbit Pub

Frodo and Sam leave the pub and go home.

* * *

7. Bag End, the Baggins' House

The house is dark. Frodo skips through it.

Gandalf pops out. "Boo!"

"Aww, you're loud but you don't bite. Now, what can I do for you?"

"Well for starters you can get your curly butt down here and get me a Ring."

"You come here after who knows how long without even a 'Hi Frodo, remember me, the wizard'?"

Gandalf explains, "Well I just wanted to know if you wanted to go to Mordor with me."

"Mordor? You?"

"Say we go there, to the very heart of Mordor, even if we only ever just talk about it."

"Naw, we'll do it. We'll get chased by ringwraiths until we're sick of them, and be chased by Gollum until we throw up, and go meet the Balrog, right in Moria!"

"Whatever blows your hair up, Frodo. I went and read some really old papers by a dude named Isildur."

"Enlighten me."

"They said that the One Ring when thrown into fire would not be destroyed, or melted, but fiery words would appear. I threw _your_ ring into the fire while you were gone and it didn't melt, so I knew it would take more than a little flame to destroy it. That's why we're going to Mordor, to throw it in a volcano. Oh and the words did appear. They said: insert finger here. But soft! It's Gamwise Samgee!

Sam appears. "Frodo, I'm sorry to bother you like this, but I was just weeding the spinach for our meal tomorrow and-- hey, I want to go with you to Mordor too!"

Frodo waves a hand. "Nah. But, thanks for stopping by."

Gandalf clarifies, "No, we _want_ Sam to come with us."

"We do? Great!"

Gandalf gets ready to leave them. "I'm going to meet you at Bree but don't count on it."

* * *

**A/N: This is a reposting of my parody in script form by the same title, which did not abide by the guidelines of . I will continue working on this and upload when I can. I hope the changes are acceptable while still keeping the original script intact—let me know if putting it in prose form ruined it. Happy reading!**


	2. Isengard to Meeting Aragorn

**A/N: Alright! Here is chapter 2. I'm sorry it took so long to get up, but finals nearly killed me. In the meanwhile, thanks for the reads/alerts/faves, and the review! I love reviews k!**

**Also, as an official disclaimer for this story, obviously the characters are not mine, they are Tolkien's. If anything is convoluted or silly, it **_**is**_** mine though :)**

* * *

8. Isengard

Meanwhile, while Frodo and Sam are setting off on their journey, Gandalf rides up to Isengard tower, gets off his horse, and looks around. Saruman the White appears beside him in a puff of smoke.

Gandalf says, "You have grown too powerful, my friend. If I didn't know you so well I would have thought you'd gone evil or something. Well I found the Ring of Power!"

"Really?"

"Yes. Made by the Elves, it was."

"Do you have it with you?"

"No, I left it with Frodo Baggins and his faithful steed—I mean gardener—Gamwise Samgee!. They are going to Bree and then we're going to the heart of Mordor together as one big happy family. Isn't that nice?"

"Yes, that is nice. It's so nice of you to volunteer info, especially since I'm working for Sauron now. It's so nice that I'm going to put you in my High Tower of No Escape!" Saruman laughs evilly and puts Gandalf on the top of the tower.)

Gandalf: "Help!"

* * *

9. On the way to Bree

Frodo and Sam are walking across country.

Sam says, "I'm glad we left when we did, or them ringwraiths could've gotten us."

"I feel a lot safer now that you're with me, Sam."

"I don't know what good I'll do you, I'm just a simple country boy. There's stuff in Mordor I can't even pronounce."

"Well you know, those big black thugs on black horses in black armor are Ringwraiths. Say Ring-wraith."

"Mushrooms."

"Not mushrooms, Sam, Ring-wraiths."

"Mushrooms!"

Frodo sighs, giving up.

Sam says, "No, look! Mushrooms! Over there!"

"Sam, that's Merry and Pippin! Hi, Merry and Pippin!"

Merry and Pippin say in unison, "Hi Frodo and Sam!"

Sam says, "No, under them."

Frodo sees. "Oh, there they are."

Frodo and Sam join Pippin and Merry, who are picking mushrooms. A ringwraith rides up. Frodo, Sam, Pippin, and Merry get off the road and hide under a tree.

Sam explodes, "Wring-raith!"

Frodo says, "Way to go, Sam! Don't worry, we're in a soundproof tree, guys. No one can hear us."

"What did you say?"

The ringwraith looks left and right for Frodo. Frodo pops out from under tree.

"Excuse me, sir, you look lost. I believe you would be looking for the WETA Workshop. Just follow this road down another two blocks, turn left, and keep going until you reach the second stopsign, at which you turn left again, and get on highway 94."

The wraith pulls out notepad from its pocket and scribbles the directions furiously.

Frodo waits a minute for the wraith to catch up and continues, "After about 3 miles you will reach a dead end; turn left there, and turn right after the first stoplight, following the narrow road all the way down and there you shall find the WETA Workshop. Big building, you can't miss it."

The wraith puts away the notepad and rides off in the direction Frodo pointed out. The rest of the hobbits come out from under the tree.

Sam says, "What an odd, freaky looking critter. Definitely has to be something WETA is working on."

Merry says, "Well let's go take the Buckleferry Berry to Bree."

Pippin replies, "Berry good idea."

Merry responds, "Yes, ferry good, isn't it!"

* * *

10. Bree, at the Inn of the Prancing Pony

The hobbits take a table. Frodo notices a man. The innkeeper walks by.

Frodo says, "Mr Innkeeper, who is that man?"

"The one sitting there by the window?"

"Yes, who is that man by the window?"

"His name is Strider, and he designs rough, rugged-looking outdoorsey clothes."

"Does he design anything with strides?"

Merry comes back to the hobbits' table with a mug.

Pippin asks, "What's that?"

Merry replies, "This, my friend, is a local. Now let's get out of here before some ringwraiths show up."

"Ringwraiths! Ringwraiths did you say?! I'm getting one."

So Pippin goes to the bar where a bunch of rough-looking Men are and asks for a pint.

The innkeeper asks, "You sure you want a whole pint?"

At the table, Frodo plays with the Ring and hears Pippin tell the men about him: "That's Frodo Baggins. He's my second aunt's great-uncle's grandfather's son's first cousin's fourth removed niece's great-great-great-grandmother's nephew... once removed on his mother's side."

Frodo jumps out of his chair and runs to Pippin.

"Nnnnooooo, Pippin!"

"What is it, Frodo?"

"You've got it all wrong! I'm your second aunt's SIXTH great-uncle's grandfather's son's first cousin's fourth removed niece's great-great-great-grandmother's nephew once removed on my mother's side!"

Pippin says, "Nu-uh!"

Frodo insists, "Yu-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"Yu-huh!"

"Nu-uh!"

"YU-HUH! And I've got the family heirloom to prove it!"

Frodo fumbles in his pockets and pulls out the Ring. "Boops, wrong one... maybe this one!" He puts the Ring back in his pocket, fumbles more in his pockets, disappears, reappears, and pulls out the Ring again. "Oh, here it is."

Strider comes up to Frodo.

Frodo says, "Look at you-- you're all scruffy, you look like you just stepped out of the Wild!"

Strider replies, "Look at you.. you have a Ring... in a bar.."

Strider, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin go to a room upstairs.

Strider says, "I'm Aragorn, but nobody knows that, so they just call me Strider."

Frodo says, "Great."

Aragorn is upset. "You must've studied your script wrong. That's my line. Are you dumb!?"

"Just because I talk slow doesn't mean I'm stupid."

"Well aside from that, Gandalf told me to tell you that I should say he said that I need to tell you that he won't be coming, so I'm going to lead you hobbits until we meet up with him."

* * *

11. On the trail with Aragorn

The hobbits stop and pull out skillets.

Aragorn says, "Hel-lo, we don't stop until nightfall."

Pippin asks, "What about seventh breakfast?"

"Seventh breakfast?! It's 9:30 in the morning! Is that why you've stopped all other six times this morning!"

"Wouldn't want to starve or anything."

Aragorn thinks to himself. _Wish I could get rid of that hobbit's eating problem. I know, I'll try stoning him with apples._ He throws apples at Pippin.

"Mmmm, eighth breakfast!"

_Nuts, didn't work. Nuts! I'll try nuts._ He throws some trail mix at Pippin.

"Wow! Look guys, it's like manna from heaven! God _wants_ us to have eighth breakfast!"

Frodo says, "No, that was just Aragorn throwing stuff."

Pippin says, "Man Aragorn, grow some, don't throw them."


	3. Weathertop to Rivendell

**A/N: Here's another update! I plan to be updating faster now since it is winter break :D**

* * *

12. Weathertop

The hobbits and Aragorn arrive at a huge porta bello mushroom.

Aragorn explains, "This is Weathertop. It used to be a watch tower. Now it's not."

The hobbits: *oooooohhhhh.*

"Here's some swords. And remember to look both ways for ringwraiths before starting a fire." Aragorn leaves. The hobbits start a fire without looking both ways. Wraiths come from both sides and go after Frodo.

The Witch King corners Frodo. "Give me the ring."

Frodo says, "Wait, what's Sauron doing with all those orcs, why doesn't he invest them? Doesn't he know anything?"

"I know if you don't give me the Ring I'll—"

"Just promise to destroy it and I'll give it all back."

"Fine!"

"Fine. Hold on, what does Sauron want with the Ring anyway."

"I'm not allowed to tell."

So Frodo puts on the Ring and disappears.

The Witch King says, "You know, most people don't know what the Ring does when you put it on. But I still see you. Give it here!"

"No."

"You know what, halfling? I just remembered I got myself a hot blade!" He stabs Frodo.

Frodo screams. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!!"

Meanwhile, Sam tries to get a wraith with his sword. Aragorn comes back and attacks the wraiths with flaming torches. A wraith explodes in flames and leaves to get treatment for third-degree burns.

* * *

13. By the Stone Trolls

Pippin is retelling the Weathertop battle blow-by-blow. "... and so Sam started hitting him, on the toes with it--but he didn't seem to be doing much good with—with the sword."

Sam says, "Oh just shut up, can't you see that Frodo's ill?"

Aragorn says, "Sam, go find some athelas." Sam goes to find an athelas plant. Arwen rides up.

Aragorn says, "Hi honey! Looking good! How's the family?"

Arwen replies, "You expect me to tell you that you look good? What, did they run out of soap down in Gondor since you left?"

Frodo speaks. "Are you an angel?"

"What?"

"An angel. I heard the Men in Bree talk about them. They're the most beautiful creatures in Middle-earth."

Aragorn explains, "He's delirious."

"Oh. In that case maybe I could take him to my father in Rivendell. He can help, he can fix anything."

"You're going to have to anyway. He got stabbed by a wraith, see."

"Oh, ah..." She rides off with Frodo. The Ringwraiths chase her to the river.

* * *

14. The Ford of Bruinen

Wraith #1 says, "Give up the Halfling, she-elf!"

Arwen replies, "Give up the Halfling?! What kind of chump do you take me for?!"

"First class! Now we're coming after you!"

Arwen mutters to herself. "Think, Arwen, think! Oh I know, I'll pull out my sword and fight them away!"

Frodo points out, "You sold the sword to cover my medical bills."

"Oh. Maybe I could rattle off some stuff in Elvish and scare them away!"

"You don't know any Elvish, you dismissed your Elvish language teacher because you couldn't understand him."

Suddenly a big rush of water comes and washes the Wraiths away.

Arwen says, "That works. The itsy-bitsy Ringwraiths went up the river small—"

Frodo chimes in, "Down came the flood and got them one and all—"

"Ok, enough of that, let's get you to my dad."

* * *

15. Elrond's house, in Rivendell

Frodo wakes up. "Who am I?"

Gandalf is beside him. "You are Frodo Baggins."

"Where am I?"

"At Elrond's house in Rivendell."

"What time is it?"

"10:00 in the morning."

"What is the date?"

"I don't have a date."

Frodo rolls his eyes. "Not _your_ date, _the_ date."

"Oh, October the 24, 321 B.C.— I mean, 3021."

Frodo says, "Congrats, you got them all right, and have passed the test."

Gandalf is confused. "What?"

"You got a 100%. So what happened to you, why did you not come to Bree?"

"I was entertained."

"Who, when, where, why, how? I want all the juicy details."

"Saruman, after I left your house, Saruman's tower at Isengard, because he has turned evil, torturing me with his staff."

Frodo shrugs. "At least he left the torturing part to his employees."

"No no no, I'm talking about his magic wizard staff, not his working staff."

Sam runs into the room. "Oh Frodo Frodo Frodo Frodo Frodo! Are you all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine."

"Then stop slapping me!"

* * *

16. Later...

Gandalf and Elrond are in Elrond's house.

Gandalf says, "Frodo has healed in body, but I'm not so sure he's quite right in the head."

Elrond says, "Oh yes, perfect. That's why I say we should send him to Mordor."

"If you insist."

"I do."

"It's fine with me. I still say we're getting the better end of the deal."

"I am, not you, because you don't know it, but you're going with him."

"I am?! Oh my!"

* * *

17. Later...

Aragorn is reading Shakespeare's tragedy _Julius Caesar_. Boromir comes in and picks up the broken sword on display.

Boromir says to himself, "I know Daddy says never to run your finger on the edge of a blade, but who needs Daddy when this is the Sword That Was Broken?" The Sword gives Boromir a nasty cut on his finger.

Boromir: *owww.*

Aragorn says, "Um, are you blind? Didn't you see the sign?"

"The one that says 'He who picks up the Sword shall be prosecuted'?"

"Yes, that one."

"No, I didn't."

"Would you like a Band-aid? I always carry a spare in my pocket." He hands Boromir crumpled Band-aid.

"Thanks."

Aragorn spouts off like he has Turrett's, "Yond Legolas has a mean and hungry look; he thinks too much: such men are dangerous. Beware the ides of March on Amon Hen."

Boromir backs slowly away. "Well, thank you for the warning."

_______

18. Later...

Arwen is on a bridge. Aragorn enters the scene, shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Arwen's extremely low neckline. "That dress is quite swimming on you."

"Oh, really, I thought it was rather revealing. Listen, I want to give my heart to you, even if it means becoming a mortal."

"Whatever blows your dress up, darlin'. You go right on ahead and lose your immortality."

Arwen says affectionately, "You big lug!"

"Aww, shucks."

"I love you!" They smooch. *smooch smooch smooch smooch.*

Aragorn says, "Come on! I've got a few cents left over, let's go down to the Council of Elrond and get a child's portion diet mini cheeseburger!"

"Mmm!" And off they went, hand in hand, more in love than ever.


	4. The Council of Elrond to Moria

**A/N: Sorry this update took so long, school is killing me. Hope You enjoy!**

* * *

19. The Council of Elrond

Elrond is droning on and on.

Frodo snorts and wakes up long enough to hear Elrond say, "... so we have to destroy the Ring. Who will take it?" then falls back asleep. Everyone else is sleeping as well.

Elrond repeats, "Who will take it?"

Frodo wakes up again. "Oh! Where am I...? What's going on? What's Elrond talking about?"

Gandalf snores.

Elf extra #108 says, "Oh, he wants to know who will take his sword to the blacksmith."

Wanting to appear helpful, Frodo volunteers, "I will take it, though I do not know the way."

Everybody else wakes up too.

Elf extra #244 says, "Hey, listen, Frodo will go to the smith!"

Aragorn says, "And take also my sword!"

Legolas adds, "And my bow!"

Gimli says, "And my axe!"

Gandalf says, "And my staff!

Sam says, "And me, because I don't want to stay here."

Merry chimes in, "I'm coming because I don't want to leave everybody else."

Pippin says, "I'm coming because they're coming!"

Boromir says, "I'm coming to see the beautiful New Zealand-- I mean Middle-earth scenery. I might get the Ring while I'm at it. Oh, and guys, we're going to Mordor."

Everybody, not knowing exactly where Mordor is or even what it holds, says, "Great! Even better!"

The Fellowship then leaves on their mission—quest…—thing. They see beautiful scenery.

* * *

20. The mountaintop Caradhras

It is cold and has been snowing since the top of page 15. Frodo falls in the snow and finds there is no Ring on the chain around his neck.

Aragorn says, "Frodo, didn't there used to be a Ring… on the end of that chain?"

"Yeah, it was getting a little… heavy."

Gimli asks, "Can we just go through Moria?"

Gandalf says, "Sure."

* * *

21. Moria

Gandalf says, "The Walls of Moria! Fortunately I read ahead and know the password to get in."

Merry is incredulous. "You what?"

Gandalf says the password. "Mellon!" Nothing happens.

Pippin chips in, "I read ahead too. Try the Elvish word for friend."

Sam says, "That _was_ the Elvish word for friend. Try open sesame."

Gimli says, "Try caldo-cree."

Frodo says, "Try abra-cadabra." And the doors open.

Gandalf says, "Come on in, and wipe the cornstarch from your beards."

Sam says, "I don't have a beard."

Aragorn says, "I'm growing a beard."

Boromir adds, "Me too!"

Gimli boasts, "I have a beard right now."

Gandalf says, "Same here!"

Legolas is wistful. "I'll never have a beard."

Merry asks, "Weren't we supposed to have fought an evil watcher in the water before coming here?"

Gandalf explains, "We decided to skip it for time's sake."

Frodo says, "Fine by me!"

Boromir laments, "No, now I don't get to be a brave, manly hero and show off my skill with a sword!"

Aragorn asks, "You have skill with a sword?"

Gimli says, "Well soon you all will enjoy the hospitality of the Dwarves--roaring fires, malt beel, ripe meat off the bone!"

Legolas counters, "Well, they don't have it anymore, because they're dead, what with the rebellion and all."

Gandalf is excited. "You know of the rebellion against the Shadow in the deep?!"

Pippin says, "I thought it was a balrog. Oh look, it's a dude on the edge of a well. This may be my ticket to meet the balrog so we can get his autograph." He pushes the dead dude over and it makes a big noise.

Gandalf says, "Stupid hobbit. Don't do that again."

"Don't think I'll get a chance to, 'cause here come some orcs up the sidewalk."

Orc extra #36,753,098 growls, "Ggggrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!!!!"

The cave-troll growls out of nowhere: "Ggggggggggghhhhhhhhuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrr!!!!"

Frodo screams, "Aaah! Wait, I think I'll play dead and maybe he won't kill me!" He fakes death as the rest of them kill the orcs and the troll. They finish and see Frodo looking dead.

Gimli says, "Well I guess meat's on the menu," and Sam pulls out his skillet.

Frodo says, "I heard that!"

Sam puts away his skillet.

Aragorn says, "I thought thou wast dead!"

Gandalf proclaims, "To the bridge of Kazad-dum!"

The Balrog stops them. It is holding a fiery whip and sword. It waves around the sword. Gandalf pulls out a gun and shoots it. They reach the abyss of Kazad-dum. There is no bridge in sight.

Sam says, "Oh no, where's the bridge?!"

Gandalf says, "Don't worry, I saw something like this in Indiana Jones. It's an _invisible_ bridge, but it _does_ exist."

Gandalf steps over the edge. He falls. Everybody cries.

Frodo wails, "Nnoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!! Ggggggaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnndddaaaaaaallllllllllffffffff!!!!!!!"

Aragorn says, "I guess now I am the leader. Anyway, the real bridge is over here."

They cross the real bridge of Kazad-dum and exit Moria.

Boromir says, "At least we can be happy that we didn't have to deal with falling stairs."

Aragorn replies, "Shut up and get a map."

* * *

**A/N: Okay, so probably like one more chapter left, just to let you know. If you are curious about what movies I got some of the dialogue, I will probably include that list too in an author's note...**


	5. Lothlorien to The End

**A/N: Okay, so this is the last chapter… really I am sorry for taking so long. For some reason I thought I had posted this long ago, until I decided to go look at it and it wasn't here! Ok, onto the conclusion...**

* * *

22. Lothlorien

Haldir and a bunch of other elves come upon the fellowship as they walk through the woods.

Aragorn recognizes him. "Haldir, please let us see Galadriel, oh please!"

Haldir points to a TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT; BEWARE OF ARMED ELVES sign. "Didn't you read the sign? You're not welcome here, now go away."

"But you have to let us in, you have to; and if you knew what we had to go through to get here..."

"Oh fine. I hope you're not coming here for the gifts she'll give you before you leave."

Gimli says, "She's giving us gifts?! Oh boy oh boy! Let's go!" They go see Galadriel and Celeborn.

Galadriel says, "Hello, I am a psycho and can and will read your minds. So because I know what you're here for, I'll give you a place to stay."

Celeborn says, "I am a psycho too, but I'm going to ask you what happened to Gandalf anyway. What happened to Gandalf?"

Legolas says, "He died."

"I told him to beware invisible bridges before crossing them!"

Aragorn says, "We never told you that!"

"I'm a psycho, remember."

"Don't you mean psychic?"

Galadriel says, "Well you are standing on a knife."

Frodo says "Ouch."

The Fellowhip go to their flet and sleep. Frodo wakes up in the middle of the night. Galadriel walks through the woods barefooted and steps on a thorn. "Ow baby!"

Frodo offers, "Here, have some athelas."

"You offer it to me freely."

"Yes; fortunately, that medication is now available over the counter."

They go to a pan of water sitting on top of a pillar.

Galadriel says, "This is a mirror."

Frodo puts the athelas in the mirror. The mirror goes up in smoke.

Galadriel cries, "My mirror! That belonged to my mother, who got it from her mother, who got it from her mother, who-- well it was an old mirror."

Frodo is puzzled. "I don't understand, it worked for Aragorn!"

"What?"

"In Return of the King."

"What?!"

"Nothing. But if you'd rather have my Ring, you can take it."

"You offer it to me freely."

"You said that a minute ago at the top of the page. Didn't you learn your lines?"

"I was busy picking thorns from my feet. Walking around barefoot does that to you, you know. Wait, nevermind, you have prosthetic feet. But back to what you were saying, why don't I just spew out a bunch of nonsense while looking radioactive instead of taking your Ring."

"Spare me!"

There is silence for a moment.

Frodo says to himself, "Maybe the water wasn't hot enough."

"What are you talking about?!"

"Nevermind."

* * *

23. The Great River

The Fellowship leave Lothlorien, paddling elven boats downriver that Galadriel has given them. Sam 's face is green.

Boromir sings, "Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream..."

Gimli says, "Is that your favorite song or something?"

Aragorn points, "Look! The Gargoyats! I mean Argigoths!"

Legolas says, "Try Argonath."

"Yeah, that!" Everyone gazes in awe.

* * *

24. Amon Hen

They pull the boats up on shore and get out at Amon Hen.

Frodo asks, "Where's the restrooms around here?"

Pippin replies, "There aren't any."

"Oh, in that case, I'll just… uh… I'll be in the woods, okay? Don't let anyone come after me." Frodo leaves. Pippin goes off in another direction.

Aragorn says, "Orcs patrol the eastern shore, so we can't leave until nightfall."

Legolas responds, "It's not the Eastern Shore that worries me. It's something elsewhere... elusive."

"Don't center on your anxiety, Legolas. Keep your concentration here and now where it belongs."

Merry asks, "Where's Frodo?"

Boromir volunteers, "I'll go look for him." He leaves.

Pippin returns. "Where's Boz going?"

Merry says, "To look for Frodo."

"No, no, he mustn't!" He runs up to Boromir. "Boromir, no! You must not go!"

"Oh stop it, I know you want the Ring, but this is my chance to get it. You stay away from Frodo! Don't go near him, or else you'll try to get the Ring! I know you want it!"

Pippin gets a puzzled look on his face. "He's just going to the bathroom."

Boromir goes and finds Frodo walking around. "La la la… oh, Frodo I didn't see you."

"Yeah, right. Go away, I know you want the Ring."

Boromir attacks Frodo. "Give… me… Ring!"

"No."

"This will make it more difficult."

Frodo puts on the Ring, disappears, and runs away. Boromir wonders what the heck happened. Uruks come and attack the Fellowship. They fight. The Uruks go after Merry and Pippin.

Boromir (out of nowhere): "Hhhhheeeeeeeeerrrrreeeee IIIIII cccooooommmeeeee ttttooo sssssaaaaavvveee ttthhhhheee dddaaaayyyyy!!!!!!!!"

Uruk #77659 sees him coming. "Think you're pretty hot stuff dontcha."

Boromir says, "Yep."

Uruk #77659: cow pies.

Boromir gets shot 3 times and falls down. The uruks take Merry and Pippin away. Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli come and see Boromir dying.

Aragorn: "BBBOOOZZZ!!!"

Boromir says, "It's too bad I didn't get to go cliff diving before my life ended..."

"Don't talk, you're dying."

"Tell Frodo I'm sorry..."

"Say again?"

"...my brother, my uncle, my cousin, my father, my granddad, my captain, my general, my king..."

"You 'bout done?"

Boromir dies. Legolas cries.

* * *

25. The Falls of Rauros

Frodo rows his boat alone and hums, "I'm going to Mordor with Me, Myself, and I."

Sam shouts, "Of course you are; and I'm coming with you!"

Frodo replies, "Don't come any closer! I mean it! I'll let go!"

"No you won't." He swims out. He goes under. Frodo pulls him up. Sam is crying.

"Sam, are you crying? What is it?"

"It's when your face gets all red and tears run down your cheeks."

"No no no, I mean, what's the matter?"

"I thought you were going to let go."

"I'd never let go, Sam! I'd never let go!"

The two hobbits row the boat to other shore. The rest of the Fellowship put Boromir's body in a boat and let it go down the falls.

Aragorn says, "At least we honored Boromir's dying wish."

Gimli says, "Now Boromir is singing row, row, row your boat gently off a cliff."

Legolas says, "Sam would've made up a poem for him that went something like this:

_he's gonna fly down that tall waterfall_

_with his sword to his chest_

_he'll be falling at best_

_'cause people and places, swords and maces_

_are way too little, it seems,_

_to resist the power of the Ring_."

Aragorn says, "Gimli, grab your big hatchet. Let's hunt some orc!"

Gimli says, "It's called an axe, hello-o."

* * *

26. Emyn Muil

Sam says, "Wow, look at all those nice rocks."

Frodo walks ahead of Sam into the rock field.

"Frodo! What are you doing?"

"Uh, trudging. You know, to trudge? To trudge: the weary, rather determined walk of a hobbit that has nothing left in the world but to take the Ring to Mordor."

Sam sings, "We're off to see the Sauron, the horrible Sauron of Mordor...."

They walk together into the rocks. The parody ends.

THE END

* * *

**A/N:** **Thanks everybody for reading! Here is my list of movies et al for all the quotes I used, the credit for most of my dialogue goes to them. Like I said, I wrote this a loooong time ago, as a tender and sheltered child, so the options are a little obscure or random or dated, or all three, and all decidedly PG-rated:**

1 Star Wars 1

2 Star Wars 4

3 Star Wars 5

4 Star Wars 6

5 Adventures in Odyssey: The Gifts of Madge and Guy

6 Nick Danger

7 Sweet Home Alabama

8 Titanic

9 FOTR comic

10 Hamlet- Gilligan's Island & Veggie Tales (Prince Omelet) versions

11 FOTR 60-second Theatre advertisement

12 A Beautiful Mind 60-second Theatre advertisement

13 Miss Congeniality

14 Dan's King Kong speech

15 Jake's FOTR Parody

16 A Knight's Tale

17 Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar

18 Veggie Tales- Are You My Neighbor

19 Council of Elrond comic

20 Blackbeard's Ghost

21 Young Riders

22 A Little Princess

23 Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark

24 Indiana Jones: the Last Crusade

25 Reb Bradley seminary

26 The Torkelsons

27 Ever After

28 Tarzan

29 The Wizard of Oz

30 Veggie Tales- Rack, Shack, and Benny

31 The Emperor's New Groove

32 Collin Raye- She's Gonna Fly


End file.
